This post is something I found myself writing when I was going through a deep depressive state. I usually just start typing when I’m at this point.

To clarify: I am fine now. I am in no danger to myself or others.

This is not for sympathy, forced encouragement etc…

I think maybe sharing it gives some insight to one perspective of what goes on in the mind of someone in a depressive state. Maybe it will make others feel a little less crazy and alone.

Please read at your own discretion.

November 14, 2016 – 1:04 am

I’m terrible at helping people yet that’s what I want to do. I don’t know why I ever thought I could or should pursue something like that.

I feel like my laugh is this horrible terrible thing that everyone hates. I feel ashamed when I laugh. I feel ashamed when I smile. I feel like I shouldn’t. Like it’s wrong for me to just be happy or at least try. I feel like I’m an idiot for trying.

I feel like I’m unfathomably annoying. Everyone just wants me to shut up and I don’t. I just keep talking and spewing stupid bullshit that has no meaning or relevance and it never makes any sense. And even when I try to just form a coherent sentence it just doesn’t come out right and i look like an idiot and feel stupid just wish I would shut up and never speak again.

I feel so stupid and useless and unwanted and I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being annoying. I’m tired of knowing in every moment how stupid I look and sound yet I can’t and don’t stop myself.

I accept myself fully yet I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am. I don’t know how to fix these parts of myself that I hate. I wish I would shut up. I wish my laugh was quiet. I wish i could just always stay quiet.

I’m tired of always coming back to this feeling.

I want to give up. I want to stop trying. I want to end things. And when I think about that I just feel more and more selfish. How could I do that to those around me. To the few people who it would affect it would affect them deeply.

It’s funny to me that I keep telling myself that I can’t kill myself at least until my room is clean. Because I don’t want to leave behind this mess for someone else.

I’ve lost my purpose. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t think there’s anything out there for me where I can make the difference I want to make. I don’t think I can help people. When I’ve tried I’ve failed miserably. I know I need to listen but I just talk and spew bullshit they don’t need to hear. I am incapable.

I’m tired of going back and forth. Between happy and hopeful and wanting to end everything.

I’m just “that guy”: that annoying kid in class everyone hates. That talks to loud and no one cares. That thinks they’re funny and they’re not. That really should just shut up and leave everyone alone.

I swear I type more than I speak. I think on here I have put more words than I have said in the past 3 days. How horrible is that? I don’t talk. No one wants to listen and I don’t blame them.

I’m an idiot. I don’t know anything. I’m too young. I’m too inexperienced. I used to enjoy realizing that I have so much to learn but now I just feel stupid and like I was pretentious and i just feel like a giant ass.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why .I just feel like I’ve lost myself. Or at least what parts I felt I knew.

I’m not making a difference. I couldn’t even get myself to turn in paperwork for volunteering. How pathetic is that? I’m upset that I make no difference in this world yet when I get the opportunity I fail.

I know I’m young and it takes time to find your calling and blah blah blah but I just think that being manic makes it about a million times worse because you think you’ve finally found your thing and then you realize oh no that ‘s not my thing that’s stupid I’m stupid I don’t know what I want to do.

I’m tired of back and forth. I’m tired of scaring people away. I’m tired of just not knowing how to shut the hell up. But I’m also tired of not being heard. I guess I don’t have much to say. As much as I’d like to think I do..I don’t. Maybe I am just one of those people who doesn’t have their own voice like I thought. Maybe I don’t have a voice. Maybe I’m just another person. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to be quiet when I should be loud. Problem is that I’m just always loud. I can’t find balance.

I can’t find any balance anymore. I’m either manic and happy or depressed and wanting to kill myself. I can’t even look at the words that I type I’m just blindly moving hoping that I can describe what I feel and think accurately.

I’m tired.

I enjoyed being analysed but now it’s just brought me to the point of picking myself apart. Why have twitter. It’s stupid. It doesn’t help anyone it’s just annoying. Why try

Why blog no one cares it doesn’t matter it doesn’t help anyone I can’t even bother to be consistent with it or try. Everyone else my age is doing so much with their life and I can barely get myself to go to class or do my homework or clean my room or just function.

And how much do I put on my mental illness and how much is just actually the fact that I am worthless and not capable of what I thought and that I truly should just give up.

I’m tired

 

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